


I Should Let Him Go

by ShallowSeas



Series: Say the Word, I'll Follow [2]
Category: Torchwood
Genre: Feels, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Love, M/M, Memories, Minor Character Death, Nightmares, One Shot, POV Jack Harkness, Pre Children of Earth, Regret, Suffering, Torchwood - Freeform, janto, mention of estelle cole
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-02
Updated: 2017-05-02
Packaged: 2018-10-27 01:42:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10799082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShallowSeas/pseuds/ShallowSeas
Summary: This is set about a year after Estelle Cole dies. After waking up from a nightmare, Jack, recalling memories, struggles with the decision of whether or not to stay with Ianto.He took another drink. He hated the thought of being without Ianto, it made him feel sick to his stomach.Even more than that, he hated the thought of Ianto having the same fate as every lover Jack had. Death.





	I Should Let Him Go

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fic I wrote, so it's definitely not my best work.  
> I posted this a few years ago on a different site, that I haven't used in a while.  
> So, I decided to share it on here, now that I'll be doing more writing in the future.  
> I plan on doing some more editing of this in the future,  
> please feel free to comment with honest feedback, or give helpful suggestions! Thanks :)

It was late at night, he could see the clouds rolling in, blocking out what little light the stars had given off. Jack was rushing to her house, but it wasn't nearly quick enough, he knew they were running out of time. _Just give me this_ , he thought, as the SUV came to a hard stop outside her house, tires skidding slightly. _Let me save her, just this once._ But through the darkness, he could see the rain pouring down in her backyard. He knew it was too late. Jack ran, without a second thought, racing to find the woman he had loved so much. He froze, momentarily. Her drenched, lifeless body on the ground in front of him. _No. No, please. Not her._ Dropping to his knees, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close. He felt the tears running down his face, before he knew it was happening. The rain started to ease and he rocked her back and forth, holding her close. His shoulders shook with quiet sobs. _I was too late,_ he cursed himself. _I'm always too late._

* * *

Jack sat upright quickly, he heard his heart beating loudly, feeling like it might beat out of his chest and land somewhere across the room. He was drenched in sweat, and still trembling. Jack was used to the nightmares, but that never made them any easier. Still feeling disoriented, the spinning, dark room was finally coming to a standstill. He ran a hand through his hair and let out a quiet sigh of relief. He was home.

He looked over at the young Welshman, still sleeping next to him. Jack loved watching Ianto sleep, he did it often. It was one of the only times Ianto seemed to be at peace. His face was soft, he looked so innocent, so content. The only time he didn't seem to be carrying the rest of the world on his shoulders. This life had taken a toll on Ianto, he wasn't the same man he was when he first came to Torchwood. He was stronger now, harder. _Because I've caused him so much pain._ Jack reminded himself, but he smiled, slightly, as he carefully leaned over to place a light kiss on Ianto's cheek before quietly leaving the bed, careful not to wake him. He glanced over at the clock on the bedside table, 2:15am. Jack pulled on a pair of sweatpants and ascended into his office. He let out a sigh as he sat down at his desk and reached for the bottle of Scotch and the glass he kept hidden away, in the bottom drawer.

"I should let him go." Jack whispered, pouring himself a generous glass and took a slow sip. _I should just let him go._ He thought, swirling the drink in his glass. _I should make him run as fast and as far away from Torchwood as possible; let him have the normal life he's always wanted. The life I can never have, the life I can never give him._ "If you love something, set it free," Jack quoted quietly, eyes still focused on his glass. "if it comes back, it's yours." He continued, finishing the drink and pouring himself another. "If he doesn't, he never was." He whispered, slowly, letting it sink in.

 _But, Ianto would come back._ Jack thought, remembering all the times Ianto stood beside him, followed his orders, even when he disagreed. He thought about all the times Ianto went head-first into danger, to make sure Jack was safe, even though he was immortal. He thought about how Ianto had gotten to that point-being a soldier. He started as the tea-boy, the innocent kid that showed up, relentlessly begging for a job with a smile that took Jack's breath away. Jack knew that smile wouldn't last, he knew that innocence would soon fade. From the moment Jack agreed to give him a job, he knew he was giving Ianto a life sentence. He knew what he was getting Ianto into, he'd ruin his life. But even then, he didn't want to be away from him. There was something different about Ianto, something Jack didn't want to give up. Ianto made him feel so human and he didn't want that to end. But that was selfish. _I should let him go._ Jack reminded himself, again.

He took another drink. He hated the thought of being without Ianto, it made him feel sick to his stomach. Even more than that, he hated the thought of Ianto having the same fate as every lover Jack had. Death. _I want to hold onto him for dear life. I want to hold him in my arms and never let go, to see the fire that burns so bright behind his blue eyes, to feel the passion behind every kiss, to feel the warmth of his body next to mine, forever. I want to hold his hand and kiss his cheek. I want to see his smile. God, his smile. He makes me feel so human, my Ianto._

Jack smiled to himself, as he thought about all the good times they had spent together. The late nights spent cuddling on Ianto's couch, watching movies and eating pizza. He remembered when they tried baking together, which ended up with Jack starting a powdered-sugar fight and ended with incredibly sticky sex, on Ianto's kitchen counter. Ianto had made a point to complain about it, afterwards. He had forced Jack to clean up the mess, only to take over part-way through, informing Jack he was bad at cleaning things. Jack laughed a little at the memory. He thought about the phone calls they made to each other, just to check in, especially at night. Jack knew Ianto had nightmares, too. _I gave them to him._ Jack told himself. He remembered their first real date, Jack had been so nervous. They ended up getting drunk at an old pub and dancing in the road in the middle of the night. Everything else had seemed so insignificant, at the time. Nothing else mattered. Jack remembered their long talks, late at night. They would sit on the rooftop, watching the stars, sitting on a blanket Jack had brought. Ianto always asked to hear his stories about traveling to other worlds, he'd listen to his stories about being a Time Agent and his stories about the Doctor. They would joke about running away together, sometimes; just getting in the car and never turning back. They both knew they never would, but it was nice to think about it. Just the two of them, no other-wordly threats.

He thought about Ianto's unrelenting compassion and loyalty, his sarcastic comebacks and witty remarks. Ianto was true to himself, true to his feelings. He had his own beliefs, his own opinions and he stood by them. He remembered the time Ianto sacrificed himself so Tosh could get to safety, his first day in the field. He remembered the look in Ianto's eyes after they had been rescued. He stayed with Ianto that night, to help him through the nightmares. It wasn't the danger of the situation, or the torture that had disturbed him. It was that they had been human, and that disgusted Ianto. He had always looked for the best in people, even when it wasn't there. Despite Jack's long life, Ianto was unlike anyone he had seen before.

Jack knew he could never give Ianto everything he deserved. As much as he wanted to, he just couldn't. He had lost so much. But not Ianto, he was still here. _But I just can't bring myself to let him go. I need him, I can't let him go. I need him more than anything. There's so much left unsaid, so much that can't be said. I've lived so long, lost so many friends, so many lovers, but not him._

Jack took another large drink and refilled his glass. _Please, not my Ianto. I can't lose him, I won't._  Couldn't he have just _one_ good thing in his life? After all this time, couldn't he just have one person to love, to really love? He reminded himself of how he felt, holding Estelle in his arms. Could he do that again? He felt a deep pain in his chest. No, not with Ianto. He couldn't bear the thought. _I should let him go, before it's too late._ He ran a hand through his hair and took another sip before hearing Ianto step up into his office. Jack turned his chair to face him and smiled up at the young man, who was rubbing his eyes, adjusting to the light of Jack's office. Even now, hair sticking out everywhere and a faint, tired smile, he looked so beautiful.

All thoughts of leaving were erased from his mind as he watched Ianto, making his way across the room and crawling into Jack's lap, crossing his arms against his chest and gently resting his head on Jack's shoulder, nuzzling his neck. 

"You okay?" Jack asked quietly, wrapping his arms tightly around him, afraid to let go, he lightly kissed the younger man's forehead.

"I woke up and you were gone." Ianto mumbled his reply into Jack's neck, sending a shiver down Jack's spine. It was obvious Ianto was struggling to stay awake.

Jack looked down, meeting his eyes. "I missed you." Ianto added, adjusting himself on Jack's lap enough to place a hand on the back of Jack's neck and pull him closer to kiss him softly.

Jack's arms immediately tightened around him. "I'm right here." He assured him, as Ianto was drifting back to sleep in his arms.

They stayed like that for a while. Jack holding him tightly, listening to Ianto's breathing. "I'm not going anywhere." He added quietly, once sure Ianto was asleep.


End file.
